Roommate tag

It is funny
how i never knew this
I assumed that my room mate
knew I was gay
but it turns out that she did not.

I can make it out
from her actions and the way she talks to me.
She is an Asian, with conservative ideas on the matter of marriage
If she knew I was gay, I guess she would have never roomed with me.

I do kind of like her (#wt*!?)
Now that I am getting over with my ex
I guess it is alright to start a new relation (Woo wo I am going pretty fast)
Sometimes I feel I've got to give myself some time
But when I see these straight girls I easily forget the rules
(I should do my best to keep this relation platonic for awhile)

Now about to my roommate ..
She is pretty and a total girly girl
But my night mare ..
Her boyfriend
who hates lesbians!

I have decided not to tell her about my sexual orientation
Because it would ruin this friendship
and make her feel betrayed
I want to be good friends with her

Maybe later in the future
after i move out to my new apartment
If she finds out about my orientation
then she can choose
if she still would like to be friends or not

Four stages of love

Flowers to show love
Flowers to give her a smile and
Flowers to reach to her heart

Each conveys a messege
That the sender may not have got a chance to say

I chose tulips
Pink is caring
Red is declaring love
White is forgiveness
Yellow is hopeless in love

And i gave them all to her
At different times
But did she decode the message?

Zinnia

While i was planting them i was thinkng of her. I was missing her. Few days later it was the first day of spring and i saw the first clover. Few days later i decided to confess my love and that is when things got weird and we brokeup. Days passed and my plant grew. I watered it daily and smiled when i saw a new leaf on it. It brought thoughts of her.
I had not know then that i was planting Zinnia. But the day i found out it gave me a startle, for zinnia means thoughts of an absent friend

Torn and bleeding

Every time i think of the times we spent together
it makes me smile
We had grown closer
More like two pieces of fabric being knit together

And now it is like tearing apart
Hurts
and bleeds

I wish she could remain

Unaware

I saw a dream
Nevertheless it was real
It felt so real
It was like we met in our dreams
to speak the things that otherwise remain untold

I asked if you loved me
You replied no
Yet you show all signs of being in love
You were also jealous over the girl with me
You did not know you are were love
You did not want to let go of your identity
Your heart is hardened and fooled to believe
That you are not meant for love

Loose yourselves
Come out of the lies that bind you
Choose freedom over darkness
Come to me
I will still be waiting for you

I donno

She is literally driving me crazy
and i find it impossible
to take her out of my mind
Everytime i see her
I donno what really happens
Donno if it is good or bad
Donno if it is evil in a mask of innocence
Donno why me

But i know i get nervous
I try to take quick glances
I mutter silent prayers (that my actions be rightly guided)
And complain about my fate
And the fact that this looks so unclear

Lord give me your eyes
Holy
That i may see you
And may be able to discern
What lies infront of me
Thank you Daddy

staring at a blank wall

it turns out to be weird
i have no words
i do not know why
maybe
it could be because
i am willingly trying to erase her memories
and stop thinking about her
the more the words flow out
the more she stays in me
but now i try to let go of her

who am i to forcefully keep her
love does not come out of force
i love her
so i choose to let her go
as she wishes to

the more i think of her and
the more i write my thoughts down
the more she stays alive in

when she is alive in my mind
i am fully convinced she loves me too
there is no other alternative
and i am led to believe this
though i do not feel it when i see her in person

i have to let her die from my mind
then things will be more easier
for me to let her go
as she wishes

therefore now when i see her
i try to feel no emotion
but let pass by like another stranger
butthis numbness
is sometimes killing me
it is disturbing to feel nothing

it is all silence and stillness
and i have nothing to write about it
igot no words to describe
for it is nothing more than
staring at a blank wall

love is painful
it takes courage
it is a battlefield of the mind
enter it with caution

:( Just another friend

I sat reflecting
That night I was sad
for she had walked away
without saying a word

All of a sudden it struck me
I realized
I saw this in a dream
few days before it happened

Right from the start
This relation was full of bumps
It was not well
and this gave me pain
I had been trying to make it work
But that is not how it is to be

If she did really love me
she would have made time
but no
she did not

For her I was just another friend
I have to accept it

Longing

i long to hear your words
i wish to hear you speak more to me
But you say just a word
and then walk away

It hurts me to see this
You deserve to be loved
But why are you running away from it
Come back
i desire for you
everyday when you take one step away
it brings tears to my eyes

I long to be close with you
There were the old times
when you loved to be with me and talk
But now your preferences have changed
I can just watch you from afar
and hope you are fine

Come back
to where you shall find Real Love
I know that is what you are longing for
I long to share my Love with you

Pills

A strange quietness
I feel a kind of stillness
Feel peace

I had no worries, neither was i disturbed
Seemed like all darkness was lifted up in a moment

I stopped punishing myself
[punishing my body by overdosing on sugar and drinks
Two things that I at other times avoid at all costs.
Taking large amounts of sugar and drinks
has the same effect on me as the drugs]

I was back to my harmless self
I sat down to reflect quietly
I realized it was not my fault
I stopped blaming myself
I stopped feeling worthless

I had taken my anti-depression pills


P.S. Due to many things happening, I had forgotten to take my pill at the right time. This caused                much trouble.

Thinking of you

Looks like my brain works differently now
You have become an unforgettable part of my memory
But do you think of me?
I know, yes you do.

Post dark night

i woke up
i was still alive
i felt like i was hid for safety under large loving wings
Felt like a babe wrapped in the mother's arms
i knew i was safe and kept away from harm
i could feel the love
i knew there was the One who truly loved me
sitting beside me
it was like He was watching over me the entire night
while i lay sobbing

i was surprised to find myself in good health
it was a miracle
i knew i was healed

the song that was put in my heart at dawn
spoke how He is there during all these times
and how He feels the pain too
and how one longs for more of His love

A dream

It was summer
but the nights were cold
Cold like the fierce winters
I went to bed
I dont know when I fell asleep
but then
I saw you in my dream
There was someone else too
I thought you would come running to me
but you did not.

I saw you stand in front of the place I hate,
there you were with this another girl.
You stood there
and kissed her,
and ignored me.

It crushed my heart.
I stood there like a fool.
I felt cheated on.
I felt the pain.

It dawned like the sun on me
or should i say
something just struck me
May you are not the one meant for me
Maybe you plan to change like a chameleon for someone better
or
it could be that it is somebody else destined to hold my hand
it could be that our paths may have to diverge soon
Even when this dream is unreliable
I feel in the air
that you still love me

Your smile

i wish i understood your smile
i wish your eyes were fixed on mine alone
i wish there was no need to fear
i wish there was no doubt or uncertainty here
i wish to know why
i wish you'd never die

i wish this to be holy
i wish this to be without err
let it be the rejoicing of holy angels

[i wish it to be pleasing
joyful
fulfilling
delightful
open for correction
welcoming HS always
friendship forever
unending]

i wish to know you closer
i wish you know me better
i wish to be in that place with you
where heaven and earth meet
i wish where there be no time
i wish to see more of your smile
i wish to be the reason for your smile
Your smile.

Love

Love is precious
it can be bitter, sour or sweet
or maybe all.

To me it is like a flower,
a beautiful creation carefully planted in the open field
beside the stream of clear water

It knows no evil
instead it is clothed with innocence and simplicity
It stands with head up high looking at the bright side
A thousand words written, still feels insufficient to describe its worth.
Never disappoints;
it brings smile to both the giver and receiver
their message is conveyed through this flower.

The flower in my life has just begun to bud
there may be the strong winds and high flood waters
which have their targets fixed to uproot it
this flower is young and tender
with not enough strength to withstand these forces
I place my flower into the caring hands of my Maker
for He is strong
and He alone is the able to assure me that
All things will be for my good and it is well